Ante up: what’s going to happen next?

Here’s your chance to shine: I’m going to ante up predictions for the rest of the tournament — leave yours in the comments section or link to your blog of truth if you prefer.

Quarter finals: Argentina, Italy, Brazil, and England go to the semis. Only choice against the grain here is England; though they’re less talented as a team and worse managed than Portugal, and have been winning but not convincingly, I say they have one more “squeaky bum” win in them yet. France revert to geriatric play and lose; Henry limps off with a calf sprain from this new diving trick he learned certainly didn’t do in the game against Spain, Wenger weeps. Klinsmann loses the leibe in a heartbeat, tells the Germans where to stick their schnitzel, and heads home for a Double-Double animal style which he eats while ignoring the phone with USSF on the caller i.d. Ukrainians put themselves to sleep and default. Shevchenko cries himself to sleep, once, on a pillow full of Abramovich’s petrodollars.

Semi Finals: Argentina and Brazil go through. World does not stop from shock. England discover that while long balls might get you a goal against Brazil, Ashley Cole alone is not enough to fend off multiple goals from multiple angles. Italy discover that catenaccio is not enough and that they are amateur divers when push doesn’t come to shove.

Third place game: England beat Italy. England starts by clogging Italians all over the pitch; vicious midget Fabio Cannavaro re-breaks Rooney’s metatarsal, and suddenly drops headless to the ground. Replays show an aggrieved red-faced man streaking onto the field with a broken Chateaux Latour bottle while hissing “youse are all cheatin f*ckin c*nts” and administering the death blow from Clydeside martial art glass yu fu. Italian press develop  a complex conspiracy theory revolving around the CIA rendering Italians players and replacing them with clones, and shadowy forces providing cloaking devices to hide angry Glaswegians. Cloaking devices are later discovered in the back of a Hyundai team bus and have LG labels, Italy threatens to declare war on South Korea and then settles for making racist comments to Japanese tourists because they can’t be arsed to work out who’s who.

Final: Argentina beat Brazil. Perreira starts Adriano, Roberto Carlos, and Cafu even though it’s not his best team. Brazil go down by two unanswered goals because Adriano is like Ronaldo but without the scoring, and there’s no defense happening. Robinho and Ronaldinho play a fab second half, getting two, but Messi scores a third and then Teves breaks Brazil’s heart. His Corinthians contract is promptly shredded.


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