Confession: I’m not a real fan

I enjoy watching college football. I’m not above watching a Thursday night game of two teams I’ve never seen before and probably wouldn’t watch if there were something else on. I sacrifice a large chunk of the European soccer season to make sure that I have clear viewing windows on Saturdays for USC football, and I have been known to lose weight sweating and swearing my way through close games. I sailed on the edge of spousal disaster by surreptitiously checking the Cal – USC score on my phone during at the wedding of the missus’ good college friend in 2004, and bolting to the car to catch the final goal-line stand of the game on the radio… Had I landed on the coach after the final touchdown at Notre Dame 05, having somehow levitated several feet, I would have catapulted my older daughter out the window and we might be looking for her yet.

However.

I am not a real fan.

Exhibit 1: faced with a round trip across these here United States (DC to Oakland) I spent the outbound trip alternately sleeping and trying to read a novel. Before I got on the return flight, I was looking straight at an Athlon season preview at the newsstand… and didn’t bother to even pick it up. Because, really, I can’t get that riled up about Booty and Sanchez — not for football, anyway.

Exhibit 2: I don’t have even one pre-season Top 10 ranking. It’s pretty much the usual: I want USC to win, Notre Dame to lose, and UCLA can win whatever they want except the USC game. I also want Ohio State to lose, but that’s because I don’t care for Escalades. (but if old Cheatypants has one spare, I won’t lie to you by saying I’d turn it down).

Exhibit 3: USC is set to eliminate the Yell Leaders and I don’t care. Tradition? When did they last do a push-up in anger? I only want the Song Girls to remain quiet — the only thing more irritating than the voice of a male cheerleader is that nasal hopped-up cheerleader squawk of “all right [Team], let’s go!” Please, if there is a god, not that from the USC sideline. Let’s focus on not getting photoshopped into supporting other teams this season and leave it at that.

Exhibit 4: I will skip televised games if they are in some way inconvenient. Frankly, I like night home games for SC because I can watch them at home in silence. Missing a warm fall afternoon outside with the kids isn’t worth it because in less than 10 years they will stop speaking to me and I can get caught up then.

Exhibit 5: Perhaps most damningly, I’ve had nearly 20 years to sort it out, and I still make an asshat of myself by failing to remember which obnoxious marching band song is which. I may have to take the alumni license plate surround off my car.

But I am not downhearted, oh no. I’m still looking forward to the season, because the pressure of an unbeaten streak is gone, my expectations are low, and I know almost no Notre Dame alumni.

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5 Responses

  1. Careful DCT, that you would want UCLA to win anything might result in your being removed from the USC alumni association and you may have return your set of SC steak knives.

    Please tread lightly.

  2. I’m not worried about losing the steak knives. It’s not that I want UCLA to win anything; I’m just indifferent about them except for 1 game a year. ND, on the other hand, I want to see lose constantly.

    The further east you get in these here United States, the fewer Bruins you find, and the more Domers… so correspondingly the intensity of my feelings about the permanent opposition fluctuates.

  3. Understood, just having some fun.

  4. notre dame are lame no matter where you live, but i can only imagine it being worse on that side of the divide.

    i’m just dealing with a spike in Oregon State fans due to them winning the CWS (aluminum bats…i mean come on). Nothing but fat guys walking around with “Beaver Fever” t-shirts on. It’s too obvious to comment on.

  5. I’ve been running mental laps since I agreed with you about our fight songs…I play them on a daily basis during the season, and still F***ed ’em up? Thats just sad. At least you’re 20 years removed…I haven’t even begun to consider my penance.

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