All right. Let’s start from the beginning.
When I said that I wanted to give the press something to talk about, I meant something impressive, like a win. Everyone loves a win over a team from Madrid, even Atletico. Especially Atletico with that pendejo Aquirre in charge…
When I said that I wanted players who weren’t willing to give it 100% to leave the pitch, I meant it metaphorically. Not literally. And I meant giving it 100% in football, not hand-to-hand combat.
When I said I wanted you to strike hard, I meant with goals.
And when I said I wanted them slowed down, I was thinking more in terms of tackling and keeping possession, rather than holding shirts.
So, to review for the next game:
1) If you’re going to pull someone down in the box, try not to be so obvious. Better yet, try to not be the last defender while pulling them down. Ideally, tackle the ball away. Are you taking notes? Take notes.
2) Again, no using the elbow to the head. I’m drawing a picture, here, do you see it?
3) Don’t hang on to the ball if we’re behind, doubly so if you’re already on one yellow card. Remember, this is what the yellow card looks like, and you have to leave if you get 2. Or 3 if we sell you to the first division in England and you get Poll as a referee.
4) No trying to stick a boot up someone’s ass in front of the referee. Nobody believes that you’re trying to do an oil-check when it’s foot first.
Right. (Breath, Jose. Count to 10. Breath.)
Did you get that? Seriously. Because if you didn’t I’m cutting off the team supply of ham. Do I have your attention now?