The Wild One – Democratic Primary Edition

[I know we don’t usually do politics here, but variety is the spice of life after all.]

(Background. Senator Clinton’s campaign claims that Obama is the establishment candidate, it subsequently emerges that Senator Clinton may self-fund portions of the campaign, have already loaned the campaign $5 million in January.)

The scene: Senator Clinton’s campaign headquarters…

Mark Penn: We’re doing okay, Senator, after Super Tuesday, but we’ve got to stop Obama. He’s picking up too many endorsements and small donors. Aren’t you worried about that?

Senator Clinton: I’m afraid of Obama? Are you cracked?

Mark Penn: No, but we can’t just hope that it’s all going to work out, we need a new message, and we need some funds ASAP

Senator Clinton: Nobody tells me what to do. You keep needlin’ me, if I want to, I’m gonna take this joint apart and you’re not gonna know what hit you.

Mark Penn: No need to get edgy, Senator – I think we need to emphasize change, and Obama’s giving us an opening with all these old- school endorsements. What change theme do you want to highlight? Let’s brainstorm here… what’re you rebelling against, Hillary?

Senator Clinton: Whaddya got?

Mark Penn: (sotto voce) That’s helpful.

Senator Clinton: Did you say something?

Mark Penn: Maybe we could try talking to your husband. Mr President?

Bill Clinton: What’s up, man? How’s it going, Hillary? You need some help?

Senator Clinton: What are you someone that makes sandwiches or something?

Bill Clinton: Jesus, I said I was sorry already about the cookies crack – you know I’m not really going to be baking when you’re President. Look, Mark’s right, you need to get on Obama ASAP as Captain Establishment, and you need some straight cash – like that $5 million you “loaned” the campaign last month. Hell, I’ve got petro-dollar Dubai speaking engagement checks coming out my ass, I’ll front you a few mill.

Senator Clinton: (Says nothing, just glares and Penn and Bill)

Mark Penn: What’s a matter? You been hit on the head so often, you don’t know when you’re getting a break? At least say thank you.

Bill Clinton: It’s alright. She doesn’t know how.

Senator Clinton: You make the call Mark, you make the call and tell the reporters about Obama. You tell them he’s the establishment, we’re the one percent who don’t fit and don’t care. Bill, you get your bankers on the phone and get me some cash, like yesterday.  (Senator Clinton gets up.)

Bill Clinton: Where are you going when you leave here?

Senator Clinton: (Pauses and shrugs.)

Bill Clinton: Don’t you know?

Senator Clinton: Oh, man. I’m just gonna go!


2 Responses

  1. It’s looking sad that after the most engaging and interesting election campaign in our lifetimes, the most compelling democratic nomination of all time, that has set records for turnout in damn near every state, will not be decided by the voters but by the superdelegates, aka Washington insiders. Kind of a slap in the face to the voters, especially all the ones who got fired up into believing our votes count this time around.

    796 Superdeleagtes out of about 4000 total, or approximately 20%.

    Thanks for getting all fired up, believing in the process again, and voting in record numbers, America. Your job is done, you can go home now while we settle this thing with influence, coercion, backroom deals, and the usual standard fare. Thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for you.

    {that’s not even getting into the clusterfuck the Dems made of the MI & FL primaries & delegates, which may in the end decide this shit as well. Thanks alot, DNC, for proving that even in damn near can’t lose scenarios you can still fuck things up nice & good with your incompetence}.


  2. Superdelegates – “We must rig this election to save it!”

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