Confession: I’m not a real fan

I enjoy watching college football. I’m not above watching a Thursday night game of two teams I’ve never seen before and probably wouldn’t watch if there were something else on. I sacrifice a large chunk of the European soccer season to make sure that I have clear viewing windows on Saturdays for USC football, and I have been known to lose weight sweating and swearing my way through close games. I sailed on the edge of spousal disaster by surreptitiously checking the Cal – USC score on my phone during at the wedding of the missus’ good college friend in 2004, and bolting to the car to catch the final goal-line stand of the game on the radio… Had I landed on the coach after the final touchdown at Notre Dame 05, having somehow levitated several feet, I would have catapulted my older daughter out the window and we might be looking for her yet.

However.

I am not a real fan.

Exhibit 1: faced with a round trip across these here United States (DC to Oakland) I spent the outbound trip alternately sleeping and trying to read a novel. Before I got on the return flight, I was looking straight at an Athlon season preview at the newsstand… and didn’t bother to even pick it up. Because, really, I can’t get that riled up about Booty and Sanchez — not for football, anyway.

Exhibit 2: I don’t have even one pre-season Top 10 ranking. It’s pretty much the usual: I want USC to win, Notre Dame to lose, and UCLA can win whatever they want except the USC game. I also want Ohio State to lose, but that’s because I don’t care for Escalades. (but if old Cheatypants has one spare, I won’t lie to you by saying I’d turn it down).

Exhibit 3: USC is set to eliminate the Yell Leaders and I don’t care. Tradition? When did they last do a push-up in anger? I only want the Song Girls to remain quiet — the only thing more irritating than the voice of a male cheerleader is that nasal hopped-up cheerleader squawk of “all right [Team], let’s go!” Please, if there is a god, not that from the USC sideline. Let’s focus on not getting photoshopped into supporting other teams this season and leave it at that.

Exhibit 4: I will skip televised games if they are in some way inconvenient. Frankly, I like night home games for SC because I can watch them at home in silence. Missing a warm fall afternoon outside with the kids isn’t worth it because in less than 10 years they will stop speaking to me and I can get caught up then.

Exhibit 5: Perhaps most damningly, I’ve had nearly 20 years to sort it out, and I still make an asshat of myself by failing to remember which obnoxious marching band song is which. I may have to take the alumni license plate surround off my car.

But I am not downhearted, oh no. I’m still looking forward to the season, because the pressure of an unbeaten streak is gone, my expectations are low, and I know almost no Notre Dame alumni.